…not like the opposite of fast, although she is not built for speed. No, I mean I think my dog is not all there upstairs. If I had given birth to her, I have reason to believe she’d ride the short bus.
There are a myriad of reasons that have led me to this conclusion.
Exhibit A
What the neighbors must think!
She’s a stalker. She follows me around the house from the time I come home until she decides that she simply can’t tote her 70 lb. butt around on her 4 inch legs any more and retires to her rug**. She follows me into the bathroom every time I forget to close the door ALL the way and paws at my knees while I’m doing my business until I pet her head. Tonight she barged into the bathroom while #3 was in the shower. I can only imagine this is the look she had on her face while she sat and stared at the shower door until #1 caught her and made her leave her post.
Exhibit B
**(Jack may call it a bed, but I was under strict instructions not to buy her a bed, so I bought her a rug with bumpers that may or may not have been found in the pet aisle.)
While Jack does not love the dog, that was not his reasoning to not want to buy her a bed. While every vet this side of the Mississippi will tell you to potty train a puppy, you should kennel them during the day and overnight to teach them to hold it. They claim that dogs will not pee where they sleep. Someone forgot to tell my mentally challenged hunk of canine. She has peed in every bed we have ever provided her. This infuriates my husband. And gives me more reason to think my dog is not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Two days ago I received a phone call at the office. It was a neighbor. She was calling to inform me that she had put our dog in the house. See Lucy’s underground fence collar broke and I have been reluctant about spending $70 on a new one. For a while she was good. She was trained to stay in the yard, collar or not. Then she must have got sick and tired of sitting on the porch and watching the world pass her by. She now realizes she can cross the imaginary border without getting a jolt of electricity through her fat dog body and takes advantage of it.
This is not the first call we’ve received from the neighbors. No, we’ve been contacted by 3 other neighbors asking if it’s okay if they put her in the house when they find her off-property. One day, while Jack and I were sitting in the living room, our front door opened, our dog came running into the living room, and the front door closed. Now, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t learned to open the door on her own. How embarrassing that people have to watch our dog while we watch our TV.
But this last phone call was the nail in the coffin. It is the reason I have to post on the world wide web and let the universe know my dog is a moron. My neighbor had to pull her car over and put my dog in the house BECAUSE SHE SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. We live on a fairly busy road near a high school. We have teenagers that race up and down our street before and after school. It is during this time that my overweight dog decides to park herself in the middle of the street and watch the cars zoom past her. She refuses to move for anyone or anything. She is unfazed by the 1/2 ton vehicles that could squash her. It’s almost as if she knows the amount of damage she will do to their suspension and frames and knows they won’t take the chance.
Big, fat, dumb, and slobbery – I love her, no matter what the girls dress her up in!
