Two weeks ago I decided I had sufficiently procrastinated the ordering of my Christmas cards long enough. I found a new website that would allow me to customize my cards to obtain exactly what I wanted. I opted for the $22 shipping to ensure I’d have them in 7 days. Seven days, that’s what they guaranteed. That was on Tuesday.
On Saturday I received notice that my package had shipped. I was thoroughly impressed. The UPS tracking code they sent me said it shipped out a day or two earlier and it was delivered to my front door at 2:07pm on Friday. Surprised I had missed the arrival of my package, I ventured out into the frigid Iowa air and went a-huntin’. Much to my dismay I was unable to locate the box that held my Christmas cards. It didn’t come as a surprise when I couldn’t get a hold of a human at UPS at 5:00pm on a Saturday. This issue would just have to wait until Monday.
On Monday morning I made quick friends with the digital voice on the UPS automated answering service (can you sense my sarcasm?). I maneuvered through the “here are your options, tell me which one you want.” Several times before it became apparent that I was not going to speak with an actual person at UPS. Seriously?! All I wanted to do was ask the smartly dressed UPS man what color the house was where he dropped off my box. I was more than willing to go to every white house with blue trim in all of Orange City until I was able to locate said box myself. But it was not to be. After bothering the patient lady at the UPS Store twice, I was able to talk to a human. *Side Note: if you ever find yourself dialing 1-800-PICK-UPS and needing to talk to someone, dial 00 until the automatic voice gives up and connects you to an operator. As it turns out all she would tell me was that “the package” had been delivered to my front door – nothing more than the stupid website told me two days earlier. I assured her that was NOT the case. She informed me that a trace would need to be placed by the person or business who sent “the package” and could take up to two weeks to find it. “Two weeks!? These are my Christmas cards!” I blurted out (like she cared). “I’m sorry ma’am, there’s nothing else I can tell you.”
“Ma’am” and “the package” have become my two least favorite words/phrases of the holiday season. They seem to be the only things the UPS customer service (and I use that term loosely) reps are trained to say. I really hope they use my “…may be recorded for training purposes…” tape to teach newbie's what NOT to say to the irate lady on the other end of the phone.
So I called the company I ordered my cards from. They were very apologetic and said they’d reprint the order and rush it to me in 3 days. “Wow!” was all I could say. “You’re really going to reprint my whole order?” Sue Chen assured me this was going to be much faster and more effective than waiting two weeks for UPS. She changed the ship to address to my office to ensure a signature would be required upon delivery and said they probably wouldn’t use UPS on my next shipment given the situation.
That same day a co-worker of mine ordered her parent’s Christmas cards from the same website where they were now offering FREE shipping.
Two days later a very large snow storm swept across the great state of Iowa.
The next communication I received said I should have my “package” by Thursday via UPS (are you kidding me?!).
Today, my co-worker received her “package.” I DID NOT! “SERIOUSLY?!” She ordered her cards the SAME day I re-ordered mine! She paid NO shipping while I forked over $22 and 36 cents! She received her package at our office and I DID NOT!
I promptly grabbed her tracking number and logged on to the UPS tracking website to learn the following:
- My “package” was prepared for shipment 27 minutes BEFORE hers was.
- My “package” left the plant 2 hours and 19 minutes AFTER hers.
- Her package made a stop in Des Moines. Mine did not.
- Here package made it to Sioux Center. Mine did not due to “Adverse weather conditions”.
So, of course, I promptly picked up the phone and called my friends at UPS. This time I made short work of the work around to get past the annoying computer. The poor lady that picked up my phone call could have never anticipated what she was about to encounter, or maybe she did. Maybe UPS is such a freakin’ bad delivery service that she’s used to fielding call after call of disgruntled customers! Maybe this is her full-time job, her life, her everyday reality. Maybe she’s suicidal, or homicidal, or postal. Lord knows I would be if this is what I had to do for a living!
“I’m sorry ma’am. Your package is held up because of adverse weather conditions.” was all she could offer me. She couldn’t explain why two packages left the same plant with the same destination yet one made it while one did not. All she could tell me was that they were on two different trailers. She couldn’t even assure me that I would receive my “package” on Monday because of the adverse weather conditions. I ASSURED her I was one hour from Sioux City, the last check-in point of my package, and it was bright and sunny! I asked if I could go to Sioux City to pick up my “package” and she told me that I could not as it was not at it’s destination. I COULD HAVE TOLD HER THAT! I’M AT THE DESTINATION AND IT’S NOT HERE! THAT’S WHY I’M CALLING! She went on to inform me that they had some storms move through. I retaliated with, “YES, I’M AWARE. It snowed THREE DAYS AGO! I’m still baffled as to how one package made it and one got held up by the ADVERSE WEATHER when they were coming and going to/from the SAME PLACE.” Then she did it. She put me on hold! Let me share this tidbit of advice to anyone out there contemplating a career in customer service. DO NOT PUT AN ALREADY IRRATE WOMAN ON HOLD! This only makes her more angry! Upon her return she could not offer me anything more than “I’m sorry ma’am. Your package is being held up due to adverse weather conditions.” “REALLY YOU PUT ME ON HOLD FOR THAT!” Then I did what any unreasonable woman in my situation would do. I hung up on her.
I promptly stomped out to the vend-a-bait area of my workplace, purchased a package of Ding-Dong’s and a can of soda and returned to my desk for lunch.
Thanks, UPS. I haven’t had a soda for a month and a half. I gave up sugar and processed flour. Because of your employee’s lack of ability to do something as simple as GET ME MY CHRISTMAS CARDS IN ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO ADDRESS THEM AND PLACE THEM IN THE MAIL BEFORE NEW YEARS I have pissed away the last 6 weeks self-determination. It’s your fault I have to be fat. I hope you can live with that in your big brown truck!
…and by the way, what kind of person received my first package and then didn’t have the decency to look my number up in the phone book (you have my name and address and I’m in the book) and tell me you received my first package by mistake?!
**TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE** As I sat down to write this blog post, the UPS man pulled in to the driveway only to back out and drive to the next-door neighbors. “WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME WHILE YOU HOLD MY CHRISTMAS CARDS HOSTAGE!?”
